about departures

It’s been almost a year now since I quit my job as a cabin crew.

Two years of a wanderlust finished with a very laud bang: I landed heavily in a well structured society, having a very little knowledge of how does it function and even worse, how on Earth am I going to try and fit in. I quit the cabin crew job because I was exhausted. I was homesick, sleep deprived, I missed my friends and normal, human behaviors. I missed going for a beer, popping in with a cake, I was sick of begging strangers to swap their flights with me so I can go and see my boyfriend.

And so the plan was to be jobless and happy, just for a little while. It appeared to be a reasonable thing to do: take my time, enjoy life, and don’t worry about anything. I knew I worked extremely hard for the last two years, probably too hard for any of my friends or relatives to comprehend, and therefore I knew that I needed some time to recover mentally and physically before starting something new.

But this is not how the capitalist society works, and it is definitely not a plan that could be accepted as a “reasonable” one by anybody functioning in our money driven world.

So what I’d heard for the most of time since I left my job was “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?” “WHAT JOB ARE YOU GOING TO GET?” “ARE YOU APPLYING FOR JOBS YET?”

The questions seemed to be coming from each angle, attacking me at the least expected moment and I started getting seriously worried.

I was trying to explain my idea of a frivolous existence, but with each attempt I sounded less and less convincing. The looks of “you should get a job” “you are wasting time” started to feel more and more draining, and the very idea of an easy, simple existence and taking time to figure out things slowly lost it’s own sense in the long, tiring, self explanatory process. The value of the experience, the priceless lesson of wanderlust, independence and curiosity, all that I valued so high, suddenly felt to be completely worthless in the eyes of everybody. I was, first and most importantly, a jobless young person, a serious threat to the society.

And so, the next thing I recall was running for a job interview.

And hey! I got it. A good job, so to say, relatively well paid, a kind of a job that your parents are content with.

And here I am now, not even a year later, handling my resignation form.

Why?

I proved myself I can force myself and function in the society. I can put an alarm clock every morning, and drag myself out of bed. I can get myself to the underground and coexist with all the other sleepy faced people, and with all the sleepy faced people I work with too. We can have a little laugh.

So you see, I can do all these things. I can pay my bills every month and feed myself too.

But there’s one thing I haven’t managed to do, and that thing proved to be essential for my current situation. I haven’t managed to convince myself that this is what life is about. At least not now.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that people work hard out there. Yet I can’t help feeling it’s all a game. A big, capitalist, well manipulated game, where everybody works their asses off, and the winner buys a new, bigger car, and lives in a bigger new house, or in a fancier district. It all feels like a fun game, a big fun joke, sometimes, and I rush to the shop during my lunch break so I can buy myself something fun, a pretty little t shirt or new shoes maybe?

I may, or may not have made a mistake a year ago, letting all the voices convince me that they know better. But I do feel I learnt something and I proved myself something too. I know that I can trust my own voice now.

I’ve decided to quit the society again and embrace the experience. This time, no longer alone, but with love by my side. This time I don’t worry about all the questions. I let them flow.

We’re going to leave the place we called home for almost a year now, and homeless, packed in our big backpacks depart for the big adventure.

What am I going to do next, how am I going to make my money in the future and all these tiring, big people questions, I refuse to answer them now. Pack your bags and come with us. You will be amazed with all the beautiful things it will bring out of you. Live your life. Discover the world, meet the people you share the planet with, learn about it and and keep it . The world is way too fascinating to ever leave it for later.

And am I a little scared?

I guess a little less than I should be. There’s a little voice inside me, it tells me what we’re doing is right. People talk too laud, sometimes I can’t hear myself, I get lost and confused. But this time I have no doubts about who should I listen to.

I feel free again. I feel excited and I feel a lot of different things really, but the point is, I feel. I’m alive. I’m not a robot, not a machine, I’m a free spirit, with a strong desire to observe, to learn, to get lost in the unknown.

and so, I hit the road, again

(or should I say the air?)

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